Solitude

It is a strange feeling, I can't put my finger on it, I don't even know what triggers it. But from time to time it resurfaces, maybe some form of hormonal cycle, something which I'm completely unaware of. It's a strange form of dissatisfaction, even though everything appears to be the same in my mind, there is no change to my schedule, or anything else, yet I feel the void. One possible explanation might be that my brain needs some new form of input, it might be craving for a new experience. But fortunately, just the way it comes, it automatically goes away as well. Recently during my visit to Germany, I felt the same. There was no tension or stress, I was chilling beside a river on a sunny day, enjoying my coffee, and yet I didn't like it.

People don't understand what solitude is, they don't know what it means to be alone. Please don't get me wrong, I enjoy my solitude, I always have so many things to entertain myself with, so many things to explore, observe, and read about. The Past few years have turned me into a keen observer and a thinker, it is one of the deepest pleasures of my life, being able to cut off from everything and everyone and be lost in the world of ideas. It's a skill that has been developed over the past few years, where I can just retreat in my own mind and feel all kinds of varied emotions. It becomes even more interesting when you realize that most people lack this ability, it is a rare skill to have. Just this Sunday, I spent around five wonderful hours reading and writing complex maths, something which I had no need to do. One of the truest joys of learning is not understanding something initially and then eventually with all hard work, it starts making sense. The joy of knowing that you are reaching there one step at a time is unparalleled. Yet, there are times when even my safe haven of solitude, learning, and ideas don't suffice.

It's a very nuanced feeling, quite tough to put it in words, I don't know the exact reason for my dissatisfaction. I rarely feel alone, as I know there are many people who love me and care for me, in their own little funny way. I don't know how much impact I have on their lives, but believing in that keeps me sane. Let me try to express my alone state, something quite foreign to most of my friends. 

As an Indian living in the West, I still don't feel that I belong to this place. There is some deep residual feeling of attachment to India and how people interact there. Simply put, I miss the intimacy both physical and emotional. This is something that might seem insignificant to most, but it adds up. In India it is so common for guys to walk together with their arms on each other's shoulders, no one does that here. I can be physical with my boys (non-sexually), be it riding on each other's back, grabbing someone's throat, or just simply giving each other hugs and this changes the entire dynamic of how I interact with them. Most of my conversations are very formal here, taking away the simple joy of teasing each other and calling out names. Here, no one touches each other because of privacy. Whenever I'm back home, the entire narration style changes, I can use my slang, and twist the story so it is funny for others, here it is always more like the narration of an event rather than an enticing story. Believe me or not, there is a different fun when you can say to your friends, "bsdk uth, aur chai leke aa sabke liye", there is something deep in this, an awareness that you can be free, no one will judge you. Now compare this to, "Hey Max, would you please bring coffee for all of us", the vibe is gone, you don't feel like you own the conversation, you own the place, you own the moment, it's a request, whereas the former was also a request but in the style of order. 

You must be thinking why I'm complaining about such a small thing, it is not a complaint, but more of an observation. As I write this, I crave to speak Hindi to someone, I crave to use some cuss words. Many times, days pass by when I don't get to talk to anyone or meet anyone, let alone speak Hindi. Today is one such day, lying on my bed, trying to enjoy some jazz with my favorite yellow lights. Even the weather is depressing today, quite often rainy and cloudy for weeks at a stretch. But what can I do, it is what it is. This is what fate has chosen to offer me. 

I often wonder, how often my friends think about me, do they spend nights where they want to talk to someone but no one is there, do they often get deep introspective moments and realize hard truths about their own lives, how corrupt and dishonest they are? Do they get to see god in and around themselves? I wonder will they ever understand what solitude means, will they ever get a chance to truly discover themselves up? In my personal opinion, life in India is quite chaotic, and most don't get time to reflect on themselves. I'm positive that no friend of mine would take a 10 km walk to nowhere alone. There is something about being alone that most don't understand. It tells you what your attention attends to when you are free. When you go in a forest alone, you'll soon realize that your life is not as bad as you think, and if you can conjure up bigger ideas, for the moment, you will even start feeling the awe of the natural world.

At times, despite all my curiosity it becomes tough to live here. The feeling is not about the fewer chances to talk, but it is more about not having the opportunity to talk, in those rare moments of your wanting. If I see my mom or someone else, just passing in front of me, that's enough for me. I don't need to necessarily talk to them, but it's different when you don't see anyone. It's a psychological thing, not having the option. It's like money, most people barely spend fifty percent of their salary, but if I take away the rest fifty percent, they'll get anxious. Being with people I love and care about is so important, I can be free from my own intellectual self, and be a complete fool. It is tough to act foolish when you are alone. Human connections are so damn important, it is these connections that make us who we are, truly defining us. I don't think most of us can define ourselves without these beautiful connections, for which I'm always grateful and indebted.

I don't know anybody who moved out of India and made great friends, surely, we do have a great time, but good friends, not necessarily. Yes, we do meet some very interesting people, people who align with our ideas more than our friends do, but I personally still shy away from calling them true friends. They are more like a fellow traveler with whom we enjoy a few things, unlike good friends, who are more like family, ultimately defining who we really are.