Love, Sex, Marriage, and Theory of Mate Selection

Before we start, I want to say something important. This isn't a perfect or complete piece of writing, and I know there might be a lot of mistakes in my analysis, so much of which is not apparent to me yet. I'm sharing my thoughts just to put together all the fascinating things I've learned about this topic. Let's learn to hear a bit of uncomfortable and thought-provoking ideas. We must promise ourselves to keep an open mind and think through these ideas together on this wonderful thought journey. Reject and accept ideas presented here according to your taste, and experience. We are here to think deeply and discover bits and pieces of truth. The goal of this writing is to give everyone enough perspectives to think about this topic in a more detailed manner.

So, let the journey start. 

Human relationships are really interesting. They change and grow in ways we can rarely predict. Our past experiences shape how we form relationships and develop them over time, especially in times of trouble. But we must pause and ask ourselves, why do people see the same thing so differently? Is there something inherently different in an individual's perception of reality? It's because of something called 'perspectival lens.' Don't try searching for this term, it's given by me. The perspectival lens is a mechanism through which we perceive reality. None of us can see the ultimate reality, but only what our lens shows us. The perspectival lens is made from two things: our biology, how our bodies and brains are built, and our environment, from where our mind got its impressions. 

Think of the perspectival lens as a constantly adapting filter, which is trying to help us interpret the world in such a way that we can keep ourselves safe. The amount of information that passes through this lens is different for each individual. That's why people raised in similar environments can turn out to be completely different individuals. 

I talked about the idea of the perspectival lens so that we can try to make our viewpoints wider and maybe reach a higher level of truth, not talking about spiritual truth here. Coming back to the main topic of our article, Sex, Marriage and Romance. 

In theory, each and every relationship is fascinating and boring in some ways, but romantic ones are special in their own way. Before you jump the guns on me, no, it's not going to be a lovey-dovey article on romance. We are here to think and get new perspectives, not feel nostalgic or emotional. 

Just like any relationship, romantic ones have their charm and chaos. They're full of emotion, and quite often seem to be associated with a low degree of rationality. It's not that other relationships are purely rational, every relationship shares some form of emotional bond, no matter how thin that bond is. Every relationship has feelings, but romantic ones seem to have a little more. Having pronounced feelings doesn't make them better or worse in anyways, it just makes them different.

So, are you ready to dive deeper into this fascinating subject matter? Something dear to everyone's hearts. After all, we are literally the product of it.

Let's look at some biology, psychology, and philosophy of Sex, Marriage, and Romance. 

Theory of mate selection

The biological part

Most of us really like to talk about our relationships be it with the boss, parents, friends, or romantic ones. A lot of us have this misconception that choosing a partner is just a byproduct of feelings and thoughts, completely sidelining our biology. There's a lot more going on in our bodies than our thoughts and emotions when we think about someone romantically or sexually. Things that we don't or can't even perceive. 

I really like to talk about different subject matters, as varied as possible. Out of all those topics I've discussed over the years, I find that most people have close to zero sense of human biology. For example, ask someone about testosterone, and their immediate response is that testosterone is all about anger. But that's not completely true. Testosterone is primarily about motivation and planning, and anger is just a small part of it. Ask someone, how to fix sleep cycles, and they have no idea. Most of us lack even the basics of human biology. Similarly, there's a lot of misunderstanding about sex and its related biology. Let's try to understand sex and mate selection better, looking at the biological side of it. 

We're going to start our exploration of Sex with language. Language is a key factor in human evolution and the development of civilizations. However, that wasn't always the case. For thousands of years, we had no language, only around 100,000 years ago, humans developed the ability to speak and discovered the power of language. We still didn't know how our tongue evolved to speak. But even without the language we were mating and producing offspring. So the question is, how do we achieve intercourse without words?

Now to answer our question, there might be a few explanations. Maybe all the human males across the globe were just using brute force to mate or we were using some form of sign language. But a more plausible theory, and the one I tend to align with is that non-verbal communication was used as a primary way to mate. 

Non-verbal communication is a huge part of our lives even today, we might not be fully aware of it most of the time, but it is always present. It's important to understand that our biology never evolved for anything except survival. Evolution doesn't care about emotions, feelings, and anything else if it doesn't help us survive. And a big part of survival is directly linked with non-verbal communication.

To better understand non-verbal communication, let's talk about a man who lived in the 1900s. He had polio for two years, during which he couldn't do much – no TV, no books, nothing. He spent all his waking time observing people, seeing them interact all day long. After he recovered, he studied psychology and became a world-renowned psychologist, known for his insights into non-verbal communication. He even wrote a book about it. 

It is said that when he spoke with his patients, he could almost sense what they were thinking, almost as if he could read their minds like some magician. He could recognize twenty different types of 'yes' and a hundred types of 'no' just from people's non-verbal cues. And that's the real power of non-verbal communication.

His story, though I'm recalling it from memory and some details might be fuzzy, highlights an incredible skill in interpreting emotions and thoughts through micro-expressions and non-verbal signals. In his book, he explains how one can learn to read these subtle cues. He argues that we often miss these non-verbal communications because we're so focused on speaking and not observing, we miss most of these small signals. The key to understanding these cues is to catch them in moments when people are unaware of being observed. For example, when we call someone's name and they turn around, there's a brief moment before they become fully aware of our presence. And in that tiny moment, we can catch their genuine expressions. But these windows are so tiny and the expressions so subtle that most will miss it.

Before some of you get bored, let me reel back and relate this to mate selection. It's fascinating to think about all the subtle communication happening around us. The way we carry ourselves, laugh, or even place our hands can send signals that our subconscious brain processes, often leading us to be attracted to certain individuals without us ever understanding why. This subconscious communication plays a crucial role in how we connect with others, and more so in romantic settings. Unlike all other relationships, romantic ones are heavily dependent on looks.

The way they smile, the way they talk, there are so many small details that people find cute, and when you ask them if it is a good reason to choose someone, people will often give some random half-cooked response. Because they don't even know why they like that particular individual.

If not for these different biological reasons, we would have been much more rational in mate selection. And we all know, how messy it can get at times, due to lack of rationality. There is a reason why women like tall guys;  there is a reason why men like fat asses and big breasts. All these are biological indicators, that signal our subconscious brain to act and feel a certain way. Now I understand that the standards for mate selection keep evolving over time, but biological processes and selection criteria barely change in a few thousand years. And even if there is a change, it is surely not as big of a change that puts modern humans in a completely different basket from our ancestors, at least when it comes to primordial drives like Sex. 

So, the point is that there is so much happening simultaneously at the biological level that we are unaware of and yet, we think that selecting a particular individual is based completely on our emotions and thoughts, and not at all on biology.

Next, let's dive into another biological fact about how men and women often choose their partners. You might have heard terms like 'hypergamy' and 'polygamy'. For everyone's sake let's define them, Hypergamy is when someone chooses a partner who is at the same or a higher socio-economic level than them and Polygamy means choosing partners who are at the same or a lower socio-economic level. 

In short, women will go for multiple partners (usually one at a time) who enable them to climb social hierarchies, these mates provide them with a higher level of safety, power, and more chances for them as well as their offspring's survival. Men will mate across and below to create more potential for their offspring to survive and establish dominance in the social hierarchy. A small warning, please think about this through the lens of pure biology, not feminism. We are yet to touch on the societal and psychological part of the sex. I'm not denying the other societal values and individual personality traits, but right now we are looking at it from the point of biology. 

A lot of us think that we choose partners primarily based on personality or character, but these biological tendencies play a bigger role than we often realize.

Some people don't like or want to believe this idea as it doesn't fit with their moral values. It can make them feel uncomfortable that their choices are influenced by these kinds of instincts. Just like finding someone with eleven fingers doesn't make the general rule of humans having ten fingers wrong, similarly, finding an exception in the mating and dating market doesn't negate the biological realities. Just because you know someone who doesn't seem to follow these patterns doesn't mean the patterns aren't real.

Now I agree that societal norms can sometimes change or hide these tendencies up to a certain extent, but they remain quite relevant for most of us. Anyone who thinks that they have gotten over these base animalistic behaviors is likely fooling themselves. We've not done any such practice to control these behaviors, we've not built any methodology or process to identify and build discipline against these behaviors. 

I know that society's rules and structure can influence our natural instincts up to a certain extent. But if we look at situations where people reside in more natural settings, these base tendencies become more prevalent in everything we do, including choosing mating partners. The more natural the environment, the more these natural tendencies become apparent.

A lot of people don't agree with this idea of women being hypergamous, saying this instantly paints a demeaning and sexist picture for many. They directly associate this behavior with cheating and societal values. They think that humans have moved past these 'animalistic' behaviors. But here's the interesting bit: most don't even realize that they have such instincts. And if they are unaware of its existence, how can they change it? It's extremely hard to control something so deep-seated in our biology, especially when most can barely control their everyday emotions. These tendencies have been part of human nature forever, and they're not easy to just switch off.

But I know it's easier to believe that we are in control than actually controlling these tendencies. 

Have you ever wondered why you find someone attractive? It's so interesting to think about why we're drawn to certain people, especially when it comes to how they look. Our brains are hard-wired to find specific things attractive. For men, it's about the higher ratio between the waist and shoulders, and for women, it's the hip-to-waist ratio. Then there's facial symmetry – not perfect symmetry, but a nice balance.

All of these preferences come from our basic need to survive. The hip-to-waist ratio in women is linked to ease of childbirth. In men, a higher shoulder-to-waist ratio suggests good upper-body strength. Nature was focused on survival, it was not just playing a random game and thus made us hard-wired to like things that might help us in survival.

I hope you are not bored because there's more. For men, things like a broad chest, a strong jawline, big muscles, and being athletic are also attractive. Why? Because they're signs of strength and the ability to survive in tough situations. For women, features like long hair, a long neck, slender fingers, a flat stomach, and certain body shapes are seen as attractive. These features might signal that a woman is young and healthy. Ripe enough to produce healthy children.

I once again emphasize that this is all about the biological side of attraction. It's not about fashion or cultural trends. A lot of what we find attractive is tied to signs of youth and the ability to have children. Remember, though, we're talking about natural instincts here, it is not the entire picture of what makes someone attractive in today's world.

Imagine if we found life on other planets, we are certain that they would have some mechanism to keep their species going. For humans, finding certain things attractive and communicating (both verbal and non-verbal) are key to propagating our genes.

If you really think about it, there's nothing inherently exciting about the shape of sexual organs. Take a look at the male and female genitalia like penis and vagina. They're not always neat, organized, or even symmetrical. But our brains are hard-wired in a way that makes us find them attractive. I can make some argument for the breasts, due to their symmetric (btw left and right breast are never symmetric, just like testicles) and round nature, yet there are so many other things we find attractive that wouldn't have been attractive at all if not for the hard-coded nature of these biological mechanisms. 

One common misconception that I've observed a few times is people saying, "I'm in love and I don't even notice other people sexually" But that's not entirely true. Even the most rational and spiritual people might find their eyes drawn to an attractive person. It's a natural reaction. What spirituality or rational thinking does is help us to not act on these impulses. We might feel them, but we choose not to do anything about them. I can't speak for the very advanced spiritual states, where people might be able to even cease these desires, but it is generally true for the rest.

It's tough to think deeply about love and sex. It can be uncomfortable, and that's why we often avoid it and end up with so many misunderstandings about our own actions and morals.

But wait, there's more about the biology of choosing a mate. Research shows that our perspective on relationships is often shaped by how we were raised. We often end up with someone like our parents or completely opposite from them. The brain circuits that deal with romance are the same ones that connected us to our parents when we were young. These neural pathways change and grow, leading us to look for romantic partners. It's no surprise that we often look for qualities in our partners that we saw in our parents.

You might not agree with this because of modern ideas about relationships, but it's worth thinking about the role of biology in all this. Everyone has their own beliefs, but it's important to really understand what you believe and what you actually understand, no matter how discomforting it is. That's the key question to ask ourselves.

Now, let's dive into another biological concept: serotonin circuits. Serotonin plays a big role in figuring out where we stand in a social hierarchal group. It's really important, especially when it comes to choosing a partner. This is why we often see women preferring to date men who are either at their level or higher in social status, and men showing interest in being with multiple women. Anyone who doubts the serotonin circuits, let me tell you that these circuits are 300 million years old, one of the oldest circuitry in the entire human body, we share similar circuits with a lot of other animals and that's why a lot of drug trials work on those animals. 

From a biology standpoint, there's a reason for this. Women chose partners who were higher in social status because it meant more security and stronger children. These children would be more likely to survive and help the whole group. For men, being with more women increased their chances of having more children survive.

A friend recently told me something interesting about how these behaviors have been passed down through time. He said that some traits, like psychopathy, were useful in the past for survival. People with these traits could be tough and protect their group, they are the ones who could go to the other groups and kill them. This behavior got passed down to us. Even today, we have some of these tendencies. Unless we find a way to change certain genes, these traits might always be part of us. Similarly, the dating and mating behaviors have been transcended over thousands of years.

In short, mate selection behavior is deeply rooted in biology. Women will continue to look for more successful partners, and men will try to be with many partners, in a more natural setting. Now some of you might disagree with this hypothesis, but these are deep-rooted biological behaviors, that control large parts of behaviors, but certainly not everything that's where psychology and societal standards come in. These biological aspects of mating don't always fit with what society expects, but once you understand them, it makes sense why our current dating habits appear to be different from these biological patterns. In most parts of the world, most men aren't with many women, and most women aren't leaving their partners for someone more successful. This might happen, but it's not the norm.

Let's not jump to conclusions. We need to look at it from other perspectives too.

The psychological part

Note: I will interchangeably use pretense, fake projection, and narratives. It only means that we are not really honest about how we behave in front of our partner. People behave quite openly and differently in front of their friends compared to their romantic interests or partners. Don't take this in a negative way. It is a way to think about the subject matter, not a sermon. In every social situation, we restrict our behavior in one way or another.

This part is a bit tricky to explain. Firstly, it's based on my limited observation, and secondly, I'm not a trained psychologist, although I read and understand a fair bit of it. But anyway, let's talk about it. Every relationship brings out different sides of our personality, and romantic relationships are no different. One thing that sets romantic relationships apart is playfulness. This playfulness means, that sometimes we behave completely opposite to our usual behavior. We often exaggerate a bit while interacting romantically with someone. It's not about being totally honest; it's more about having fun, teasing each other, and keeping things interesting. If everything was completely put forth honestly all the time, there might not be much left to discover about each other, and that can make things less exciting.

At the beginning of a romantic relationship, playfulness is really important. Sure, there are other nice people around you, but the way you talk and interact in a romantic relationship is special. Playfulness is about building a special kind of trust and a sense of mystery. It's about feeling safe with someone, both in your feelings and physically. This trust is different from what you might have with a brother or a friend. It's about keeping the deepest, most private parts of your personality safe. These are things you might not want to share with anyone else.

The trust you have with a brother is about being there for each other in tough times. Romantic trust is different. It's about keeping the relationship sacred and private. This means not sharing personal details, especially about your intimate moments, with others. It's like there's an unspoken agreement between you and your partner to keep these things just between the two of you. When this trust is broken, like if someone talks about these private moments with their friends, it can be really upsetting to the other partner. It feels like a rule has been broken. Trust in romantic relationships is unique and can be delicate. Once again this trust is not about being what kind of a person you really are, but about not sharing the things outside the relationship. Romantic relationships in the start are about a whole lot of pretense. The only place where you will see more pretense than in a romantic relationship is in a job interview. 

I get it, at the beginning of a relationship, everyone's trying to put their best foot forward. It's like a dance where each person shows off their best moves. This is normal because everyone wants to make a good impression, especially in the early stages. But as time goes by, the real picture starts to emerge. It’s like peeling an onion – layer by layer, the true selves are revealed. However, some can see past the facade from the start. They know it’s all a bit of a game, but they go along with it anyway. Why? Because it's exciting to be part of this unfolding story, watching how each person slowly drops the act and shows their true self.

Don’t get me wrong, even in these early stages of pretense, there are genuine moments of discovery. It’s in this playful dance that we start to learn what we like and don’t like. This isn't something we think about consciously. It's like when you're joking around, trying to make the other person laugh – you're also learning about yourself and them. It's a bit like an actor getting into a role, finding out more about their character as they go forward in their role. In relationships, these roles aren't fixed from the start. It’s through these interactions that we explore what it means to be a lover or a beloved.

But here’s the thing: often, romantic relationships lose their spark after a while. When all the layers of pretense are stripped away, and there’s nothing new to discover, the mystery fades. At this point, we either settle into a comfortable routine with our partner or fall deeply in love with their true self and if none of it happens, the relationship just fizzles out. I've heard so many stories of people who were madly in love, but now barely speak to each other. They move on, repeating the same patterns with new partners. Why does this happen? Part of the reason is that we’re not great at spotting pretense. People keep falling for the same pretenses again and again and thus end up in similar types of toxic or non-toxic relationships. What is your type you may ask, It's your ex, your ex is your type. If you are not a great thinker, your biology will force you to act on those emotions and put you in similar situations. 

All of us have seen that people have deep attachments to certain types of feelings, and once heartbroken they keep feeling the pain even after years. They can get all sad and mushy with anything big or small, anything that reminds them of that feeling. That's why everyone should learn to be a bit more stoic, you will still feel the pain, but will never ruin your life by doing some random things that put you in trouble.

Now, let’s touch on a related topic. Have you ever wondered why some women are drawn to narcissistic men? There are extreme cases where narcissists (+ psychopaths) have charmed their victims before causing harm. Narcissism, in this context, is about showing a level of skill or confidence that isn't really there. I've noticed that it's not uncommon for women to be attracted to the most dishonest or showy guys in a group. This is also one of the dating advice you will surely get from any dating guru, project confidence, or to put it more aptly, project fake confidence. But why don't men fall for narcissistic behavior as often? Well, women don’t necessarily need to display this trait to attract men. Just a conversation or a subtle hint can be enough to woo most men. This trend of narcissism is something I've observed time and again – often, the least sincere people in a group end up being the most popular in the dating scene.

We need to ask ourselves, why do we often struggle to tell the difference between real competence and just a show of it? This isn't just my observation; it's a reality many have noticed. There's a surprising number of decent, hardworking guys out there who just can't seem to find a partner. And this isn't just hearsay – numerous studies back it up. Consider this: about a third of men under 30 in the USA haven't had sex in the past year. Moreover, it seems that the top 20% of men are the ones who end up with 70-80% of women. Sure, the exact numbers might vary a bit, but the overall trend is clear.

So, why is it hard to see the difference between genuine competence and a facade? It boils down to two main reasons. Firstly, if we ourselves lack certain competencies, it's challenging to recognize them in others. We might not know what true competence or depth looks like if we haven't developed it within ourselves. Second, the world of social media has complicated a lot of things in terms of competency. Social media often rewards exaggeration and extreme portrayals. The more outlandish or extreme your online profile, the more attention you're likely to get. This applies to interests and hobbies too. Say you're into anime – the more you amp up this aspect of your personality online, the more likely you are to attract attention on any dating website. I've actually studied the numbers on this, that extreme profiles get more attraction on dating apps.

This brings me to a striking example of how skewed the online dating scene is. A friend of mine, who hadn't received a single match on a dating app for weeks, decided to conduct an experiment. He created a female profile, this was done back when verification was not that strong, and on the very first day, he got over 90 matches. This just goes to show the huge disparity in the dating market. It's a stark reminder of how the dynamics of attraction and dating play out in the digital age. I've read multiple studies and every single one of them shows similar trends.

As I said above, romantic relationships have a lot of pretense, which is an absolute must. Everything is expressed more than usual. All the gifts and the celebrations are just over-the-top expression, which has their own place. The more you play with each other, the more the layers of this pretense fall apart, which brings excitement and mystery into the relationship. It becomes a quest where we feel like a winner every time we discover something about our partner.  With time we get used to the thrill of these small discoveries, all the small behaviors that start becoming apparent, things that were completely hidden earlier, become plain as day. And soon before we know it, we have built a certain type of trust and a habit. 

People can build a habit of anything, no matter how absurd it sounds. You do it enough times, and it becomes a habit. Even something as boring as waiting for someone can become a habit. People can build habits completely against their natural circadian cycles, like sleeping late at night because of all the extended calls and chats. And it is exactly these habits that feel so painful when we don't get to do anymore after a breakup. 

Mating psychology is full of layers, kind of like peeling an onion. Let's try to peel them back, one by one. It's a mix of revealing pretenses and testing boundaries to see what's okay and what's not. Basically, it's about figuring out who holds the reins in the relationship. Yes, every relationship, even romantic ones, has a power dynamic.

Think about how you act around someone you're interested in. Our hands get more animated, our bodies more expressive. It's like we're unconsciously trying to break into their personal space, right? We make more eye contact, trying to sneak a peek into their thoughts. After all, the eyes are like a direct line to the brain, aren't they? They can say a lot about how we're feeling. With the movement and dilation of pupils, a lot can be revealed in a non-verbal way. And then there's the game of touch – finding reasons to brush against their hand, to build a connection. It's a push-and-pull game, trying not to overstep but also showing that you're a safe person to be close to.

Touch is an important sense, people can identify different types of touch, and even recognize their loved ones' touch, it signifies the strength of a relationship. Depending upon where we can touch someone really determines our comfort level. The journey of slightly touching someone's hand to put our arms around their waist is not nothing. It is a sign of how many layers have been removed in that pretense and what level of trust is achieved. 

But there's more to it. For instance, have you ever thought about how different sexual positions might reflect power dynamics? Even something like doggy style has a lot to do with power dynamics as well as a better chance of procreation. In human relationships, sex isn't just biology; it's also about intimacy, emotions, and power. For instance, holding a partner's hair in a certain sexual position could be seen as a show of dominance. It's similar to some animal behaviors where mating involves power displays like biting their partner on the neck while mating.

But remember, power dynamics isn't the whole story. There's a whole bunch of biological, psychological, and cultural reasons behind our sexual behaviors.

Regarding romantic relationships and power dynamics, they usually get set early on. Think of it like a play with two main characters: the lover and the beloved. The lover does the chasing, and sacrifices time and energy, all to make the beloved happy. The beloved's role is to accept this love and service, like an offering made to the gods. It might seem like one is doing more work, but it's thrilling for the lover to chase and achieve their goal. The beloved, on the other hand, might not enjoy it as much. Usually, the lover is the man, and the beloved is the woman in most societies.

Now before some of you might say that in our relationship both of us put in almost the same amount of effort, let me say that it is unlikely to be true. And even if it is true, one puts it because they are just reciprocating, beloved wouldn't have put all those efforts if not for the lover's effort first. Don't tell me that we haven't seen or heard that women want men to come and approach them usually even if the attraction is from their side. And I understand it's about the mystery and the power play, they should keep playing this power play. But they need to be smart and not fall for the narcissistic ones but the genuine ones. A lot of genuine ones are not that active about asking out every other girl they see, so, if you see a good, honest, and hard-working man, don't get too tangled up in your own web of power play, just go ahead and ask them out.

So, the thing about romantic relationships is that it's a delicate balance, a game of push and pull, a dance of power and mystery.

Before we dive into the social and philosophical aspects, let's explore a hypothesis of mine – you're welcome to challenge it.

In my view, the toughest spot to be in, especially for men, is being intellectually sharp but just average in looks. These guys might excel in long-term relationships but in the world of short-term dating, it's a rough sea for them. Here's why: when you're highly intellectual, you tend to see through pretenses. You don't gel with people who are all about the show, and this includes potential partners. This kind of insight, though valuable, can be a double-edged sword.

Now, if you're this intellectual guy who values truth over trendiness, who speaks his mind rather than just nodding along with the crowd, and you're also just average-looking, you're in a tough spot. Why? Because people who aren't on your intellectual level might view you as bossy or argumentative. They can't keep up with your thoughts, so they label you as boring, not realizing the depth of your pursuit of wisdom and truth. And because you're not the type to pour out your problems, you miss out on that sympathy factor – which, believe it or not, is pretty significant in forming connections, especially with women. There's this maternal instinct that kicks in when women feel needed, and to add to that misery, if you're just average in looks, you might not trigger that 'father figure' appeal that tall, handsome guys do.

But here's the silver lining. As you age, these superficial factors start to fade in importance. Your intellectual journey and competence can propel you to heights unseen by your peers. Success has its own allure. You climb up the social hierarchy, and suddenly, you're in a league where people are drawn to you for your achievements. Look at successful, albeit toxic, men – they're never short of attention. Now, strip away the toxicity, and you're left with someone who's not just successful but also adept at handling relationships, steering through rough patches, and living out a real love story. This isn't about dependency or clinginess, which many mistake for love; it's about a genuine, enduring connection.

So, while the road may seem tough for the intellectually gifted, average-looking man, it leads to a place of success and genuine relationships – a testament to the saying that every cloud has a silver lining.

A humble request to all women, seek wise partners because long-term happiness depends on how you solve conflict. Wisdom is a pretty useless thing until you hit a big rock in your life.

The societal and philosophical side

As we reach the third and final aspect of our discussion – the societal values and philosophical perspective – let's reflect on how our approach to sex has evolved. Initially, our behavior towards sex was quite animalistic, but over time, it has become intertwined with emotions, societal norms, and much more. As our societies have advanced, we've wrapped sex in layers of customs and privacy. This shift might seem at odds with our basic biological instincts, but it's not entirely so.

The primary purpose of sex was procreation – it wasn't about pleasure. Nature designed it to be enjoyable to ensure the continued propagation of our species. But as we transitioned from forests to structured societies, our approach to sex shifted in response to changing societal needs.

One major societal adaptation has been the concept of marriage, particularly monogamous unions. Why monogamy, though? At a societal level, having multiple partners can lead to numerous issues. One major problem is the unequal distribution of resources – some men could monopolize all the women, leaving others in a state of perpetual conflict. This imbalance can result in a population of low self-esteem, potentially psychopathic men, destabilizing society.

Wars have been waged over women, second only to land as a coveted resource. Monogamous societies tend to exhibit more freedom and better regulation, compared to dictatorial societies where monogamy is not prevalent, then it all becomes about who is more powerful. I firmly believe that, for the greater societal good, monogamous marriage is the optimal model. Of course, in the past and even today, there are few individuals with vast resources who have multiple partners. But for the average person, a single-partner marriage is highly advisable.

The issues with polygamy extend to child-rearing as well. Research in social sciences shows that children from single-parent backgrounds often face greater challenges: higher dropout rates, increased drug use, lower income, and higher incarceration rates. This isn't to diminish the efforts of single parents but to highlight the challenges in such scenarios. It is to show that a monogamous relationship is what a society should aim for.

Children in monogamous families benefit from exposure to both masculine and feminine energies. Having both a father and a mother figure helps balance discipline, strength, and emotions. Contrary to the view that individual choice should always prevail and they should be allowed to raise their children however they want should be discouraged at a moral level, I believe that the state has a role in advocating for structures that support a healthy society, especially in cases where the child's consent isn't possible. The state must maintain a healthy, functioning population and the best way to do so is through monogamous marriages.

Children raised in overly feminine environments might lack the courage to confront tough situations, while those exposed only to masculine energy might miss out on empathy and emotional intelligence. A balance is crucial. Thus, a single-partner marriage isn't just beneficial for society; it's also better for individuals. It's about creating a balanced environment for raising well-rounded individuals, which in turn contributes to a stable, prosperous society.

Now coming to the philosophical side of romance and sex, it's really hard to think and write about it. Finding the right interpretation is hard, as the subject matter involves so many things at the same time. But we must ask ourselves, why should we even bother with the philosophy of sex. To answer that, it is one of the most important functions of the entire humanity and how can this be devoid of philosophy.

So, what is the philosophy of Sex? The philosophy of sex delves into understanding its essence beyond the mere physical act. It's a complex interplay of trust, vulnerability, and emotional connection, transcending the simplistic view of sex as just a pleasurable activity.

Sex is not something we engage in indiscriminately meaning doing it with anyone and everyone wherever possible, despite the abundance of contraceptives and the understanding of safe practices. One might wonder, given that sex is pleasurable, why don't we seek it more frequently and with multiple partners?  Why are we literally not doing it with every random stranger? It is still going to be fun, maybe less fun, but fun nonetheless. The answer lies in the fact that sex is more than just a quest for pleasure. 

When we engage in coitus, it's not just our bodies we share; it's an exchange of trust and intimacy. We're looking for someone who can keep our deepest desires confidential, someone who will listen to our secrets and, in turn, reveal their own. In the moments leading up to and during sex, individuals let go of their facades and present their true selves, stripped of pretense. It's a unique state where one is both physically and emotionally exposed.

Consider how in social situations, we often maintain a facade, projecting images of power and control. Yet, in the vulnerability of nakedness, these pretenses dissolve. Being naked in front of someone is an act of trust and exposure. It's a moment where power dynamics, social statuses, and titles become irrelevant. You stand in your most natural form, with all your vulnerabilities laid bare. This vulnerability is universal, regardless of one's status or position in society.

In conversations with female friends, a recurring theme is the need to feel safe before engaging in sex. This safety is not just physical; it extends to emotional and mental aspects. Both men and women, when naked and vulnerable, seek reassurance that their exposed state won't be used against them. They need to feel that there's mutual trust, and neither will exploit the other's vulnerability. It's about ensuring that in this shared space, both partners feel secure and respected.

This need for safety and trust is especially pronounced in women. The assurance they seek is that they won't be harmed, either physically or emotionally, in their most vulnerable state. It's about creating an environment where both parties feel equally vulnerable and equally safe, where there's an unspoken agreement to protect and respect each other.

In the act of coitus, particularly for those who are new to it, there's a sense of caution and exploration. Partners are learning about each other's boundaries and comfort levels. It's not just a physical union; it's a careful, considerate dance of understanding and respecting each other's limits and vulnerabilities. This aspect of sex is often overlooked in a culture that sometimes emphasizes the physical over the emotional and the intimate connection that underpins the act. Sex, in its philosophical essence, is a profound expression of trust, vulnerability, and mutual respect.

In essence, the fundamental requirement for engaging in sex is a sense of safety in a profoundly vulnerable situation. The assurance that one's deepest secrets and intimacies will not be exposed is crucial. This need for trust and safety is why most people don't engage in casual sex with strangers on a daily basis. Establishing such a profound level of trust with just anyone is not feasible.

Sex and our bodies are deeply intertwined with our identities. An uninvited or untrustworthy person encroaching on this intimate space can leave one feeling violated. This is precisely why rape is considered one of the most heinous crimes. It's not just the physical agony but the deep mental trauma that underscores its severity. Our bodies are sacred, and nobody should be allowed into this personal space without explicit consent. It's akin to an invasion of the soul.

However, there are those select individuals whom we do allow into not just our physical space but literally inside our body and soul. It's not just a metaphor that they are entering inside someone and becoming one with them. They cross the sanctified boundary, merging with us in the most intimate way. During the climax of coitus, the concept of self blurs, and we lose the sense of individuality as both partners become one, both metaphorically and physically. In this moment, bodies and minds intertwine, sharing a blissful experience. This act is nothing short of a sacred communion.

Sex is also the act that leads to the creation of life, the most miraculous occurrence in the universe. According to Greek philosophy, the highest form of love is agape – love for creation. Sex is the ultimate expression of this love. It's a moment of bliss, a transient slice of heaven, where individual identities dissolve and true love exists.

There have even been practices where sexual rituals were performed in temples and churches. In these heightened states, participants believed they could attain a sense of divinity. Setting aside these cult practices, sex, in a way, drives the world. It's divine in its own right, a sacred and profound expression of love and creation.

Apart from sex, there is so much more in love. When we say we love someone, what do we actually mean? Now this is something that most individuals don't understand, why? Because they've never thought about what love entails. For them, all they thought about was how to get into a relationship. They have no idea about the further road. 

One way to think about what it means is that we tell each other that, you have snakes, I have snakes, and let's make sure that none of our snakes bite each other. It is a promise of support for life, both in good and bad. What more is left, once you've shared your mind and your body with that person. Once we've experienced what it means to be one, we should be totally aligned, but unfortunately, the real world and our own snakes don't let us do that.

Of all the explanations I've heard till now on marriage, this one is my favorite. What do you do when you get married? You take someone who’s just as useless and horrible as you are, and then you shackle yourself to them. And then you say, we’re not running away no matter what happens…If you can run away, you can’t tell each other the truth…If you don’t have someone around who can’t run away, then you can’t tell them the truth. If you can leave, then you don’t have to tell each other the truth. It’s as simple as that because you can just leave. And then you don’t have anyone to tell the truth to.

Many call marriage a form of “voluntary enslavement,” but really, “it’s an adoption of responsibility.” The responsibility is to help each other solve each other’s hardest problems, which is only possible, within that boundary of permanence, with the knowledge that your vows truly do hold their meaning.

The idea of marriage is that it's not about the individual but it's about the idea of marriage, you are not important in marriage, and your wife is not important, it's the idea of marriage that is important. Both of them should act in a way that serves the guiding light, that keeps the holy bond together. You do everything to protect the idea, those wovs we make during our marriage are not nothing because ultimately it's just an idea that we are married, it's just an idea that we love someone. That idea is sacred and both parties need to be subservient to that idea. I know for most people these words don't make any sense anymore and everyone is just thinking about their happiness and their egoistic self and that's why the rising divorce rate. 

But the problem is that without being subservient to the idea of the holiness of marriage or love you will never feel the bliss that your heart aches for. You will feel empty despite dating the most beautiful person in the world. 

How modern dating is fucked

The idea that we need to try on multiple partners before we settle down is flawed from its inception. As JP puts it, a woman is not a car that needs to be ridden before you commit to her. Unevenly mating opportunities have created a lot of troubled individuals. The unearned excessive attention given to anyone for their looks makes them really lost in the vast sea of potential mates.

The biggest mistake we made as a society was to put a camera in everyone's hand. This distorted the perception of self and made people more narcissistic and unaware. It's impossible to not get swayed by too much attention. Only a wise mind can handle excessive attention, and let's be honest with ourselves, there are not many wise people around us.

People have been convinced that they should try live-in before getting married. However, there have been studies that show live-in relationship tends to increase the chances of divorce. Even if you get married to the same partner with whom you did the experiment. This seems counterintuitive at first, why would there be more chance if you settled with whom you were more comfortable. The reason is the perspectival lens, once you are optimizing for compatibility and comfort, there is a good chance that you will separate away easily in bad times. But if you look at marriage as holy communion, then the individual doesn't matter, the idea of remaining married and fixing things matters and that's why live-in before marriage is a bad idea. Marriage is about servitude to the principle of marriage, not just about comfort and fun. 

I know most of you don't agree with what I say, but then how do you explain the increasing rate of divorce? A few of you might say, that people were really unhappy in their marriages earlier, and only by breaking away from the shackles of marriage have we achieved eternal bliss. But go ahead and read more on the psychology of sex, you will understand why dating many people doesn't end well for most. 

I don't remember the actual number but if you have more than n number (it's definitely below 10) of sexual partners there is a very high chance (more than 50%) that you will get divorced. But, why does having more than a certain number of sexual partners lead to a higher rate of divorce? The reason is simple, firstly, it's about comparing the present relationship with the past ones, imagine that you are always comparing your friends with your childhood friends, you will not be left with any more friends. And secondly, you lose the capacity to build trust. No one breaks a relationship for fun, every breakup takes away some innocence, making it harder and harder to trust people. 

You would have definitely seen a few people after a long-term breakup becoming completely insensitive and going on a frenzy sexual ride. They become hollow emotionally, unable to connect with anyone. A shell of a body, only deriving physical pleasures out of sex.

As I write this, I'm reminded of a story. A man went to a psychologist and said that he couldn't seem to have coitus with his wife at home. but on vacation, he can. The psychologist without even knowing his story told him that in his early days, he was mating with a lot of women, in different hotels. Now he can't seem to get a similar feeling at home, despite his love for his wife. This points to a very important point that sex builds a deep emotional connection and doing it with multiple partners leads to a disturbed sense of building this intimacy and trust.

I've even heard the arguments that sex and emotions should be kept in different buckets, but sorry to disappoint, it's not possible for most. If you could do it, you would have already achieved a level of greatness unprecedented. Sex and emotions are deeply intertwined, and should be respected.

Sleeping with multiple partners is no achievement or freeing oneself, as many claim it to be. Contrary to modern belief, it is the exact opposite. You have no control of your emotions, your emotions are not regulated well enough. Sleeping with multiple partners is not freedom in any sense of the word. Just like drinking alcohol is no freedom. You are a slave to your desires. 

People often advise me to embrace alcohol as a symbol of liberation. Let me clarify that I possess a high degree of the personality trait known as Openness. To provide context, individuals with high Openness tend to be more inclined to challenge established societal norms and structures if necessary. However, I have meticulously examined these norms and consciously chosen not to defy them simply to showcase my modernity. In essence, true freedom, in my view, is intrinsically linked to self-discipline, and I consider myself to be a person of discipline. I intend to delve deeper into this topic in a future blog post.

Now, let's shift our focus to the concept of freedom in the context of dating. Many people tend to fixate on superficial aspects and pass harsh judgments on others. If you believe that someone wearing athletic shoes with a suit is unintelligent or that a person's attire is a deal-breaker for you, it suggests a lack of understanding when it comes to choosing potential partners. To witness this phenomenon, one can observe the dating dynamics at institutions like the Indian Institutes of Management (IIMs), where individuals often find it challenging to date someone perceived as being of lower social status. It's disheartening to witness those who believe they can only date within their own social stratum. Furthermore, the concept of "glocal" relationships, where one partner is from the institution and the other is from outside, is prevalent in such settings.

I find it rather amusing that some individuals lead lives filled with misery and pretense, to the point where their egos prevent them from embracing humility and recognizing love and beauty. Due to my personal experiences of facing judgment throughout my life, I have developed an adept ability to identify pretense and competence. This issue of pretense is not unique to any particular social setting; it permeates various aspects of human interaction, ultimately leading to an imbalance in our capacity to genuinely love and appreciate our fellow human beings.

There is so much that escapes my memory, a few cases that I can remember at present are people scratching themselves with blades, not letting their partner talk to anyone, and literally sending goons to keep an eye on her (she loved that toxicity btw), sacrificing their dreams, leaving their masters in between all because of their clinginess to certain people and emotions.

Modern dating is primarily based on two factors, pretense and inability to sit with themselves because of all the social media and movies. Most relationships around us are a complete joke, based completely on pretense. There is no love without self-awareness, and this is something seriously lacking in the day and age of the internet. 

Forget wisdom, even really smart (academically) people are so foolish when it comes to dating, their viewpoint on love is so uni-dimensional. And when we create a society that prioritizes emotional reaction over wise response, we will end up with an entire generation that feels lost and unloved. A generation that can't sit with themselves and is in constant need of attention. They are totally lost in the vast sea of social media and have no clue about any potential remedy.

What's the way out?

There is only one way to find a good mate, lower your expectations and build wisdom. Wisdom to control your emotions, wisdom to choose right over fancy, wisdom to not judge people for their lifestyles but their character, because lifestyle is easy to fix, not the character. Do whatever it takes to convince your mind about the holiness of marriage. 

Try reading some Greek philosophy on love, it's quite comprehensive. Marriage is an important institution, don't try to break it by sleeping around. Believe me, we haven't discovered a better mechanism to keep ourselves happy than a strong long-lasting relationship with our partner and through them to our kids. Unless you are a spiritual seeker, you are not going to find a higher level of joy than the bond of romantic love evolved over decades. The idea of marriage is to compliment each other, and appreciate their qualities, not only the ones that are directed towards you. You respect those qualities first and as a result, you appreciate the person possessing those qualities. We do the opposite, first, we like someone on some preconceived foolish notion of goodness and then try to find good qualities in that person. 

Virtue is a key idea in the Greek philosophy. Appreciating people for their virtues is something completely missing in modern dating. Modern dating is a by-product of boredom and seeking short-lived pleasure rather than long-lived understanding and appreciation of characters, not just quirks. Build a space for constant improvement and criticism, and lose the fear of upsetting each other. I don't see couples genuinely helping their partners grow and criticizing them for their immoral undoing, we have made it all about lovey-dovey things and sweet gestures rather than the journey of becoming better individuals. 

People who talk nicely to their partners and yet behave in a shitty way with the rest of the world, people who will spend thousands on a date, but will close their purses to help a friend, sorry to say, they are not becoming better in any possible way. Their relationship is just a distraction from facing off their demons and an easy way to fend off boredom. If your partner complains about their parents, friends and work all the time, believe me, they complain about you as well. Because that's who they are, a lifelong complainer.

Stop making love about ego, someone is bad or does not care if they forgot the first date anniversary, get over this shit, life is much more than that. Go and build trust, trust that you will stand with each other in hard times, don't let small things bother you so much, stop comparing your relationships with other couples, and stop talking about your relationships with other people. Think this for a moment, people who make grand gestures, don't they regularly fight and end up heartbroken? So, in the grand scheme of relationships, wisdom is what matters the most, wisdom to resolve conflict and the virtue of upholding your vows that keep the relationship strong. 

As I was listening to Robert Greene, he said something really interesting about choosing a partner: choose someone whose base tendencies are like you. What does he mean by that, for instance, If I like ghazals and poetry, I'm better off with someone who looks at life in a more poetic way, rather than a fight. If someone really cares about animals, they are better off with sensitive people. If someone enjoys a simple life, they should go forward with who doesn't care much about social media, fancy clothes, and parties. Too many differences in personality traits might look interesting initially, as we say opposites attract, but ultimately it leads to a lot of fights.  

For instance, I'm personally very inclined about high thinking and simple living, I can't seem to connect with people who always talk about themselves. So, look carefully at your base behavior and understand what you do when you are bored. 

Don't just think about fancy things when entering a relationship. As my good friend told me once, what should we ask our partner? What's the plan to go through boredom? In a few months, we would have shared our entire life's journey and we would be spending most of our time being bored together at home, rather than just visiting fancy places. Once we are there what's the plan, can you align in your boredom, and if yes, go ahead and marry them.

So, to end this rather lengthy blog, or let's call it a chapter. Choose who is willing to walk the distance, who believes in the sacredness of marriage, and most importantly wise enough to solve the problems together.

Till next time, drop some comments, it was a massive undertaking to write this one. Thanks have a good day and I hope you have some tangents to think about this complex subject.