The art of conversation

Conversations are not just words but a proper art form; we need conversations to evolve into such intelligent creatures. I recently listened to Michio Kaku (Founder of String Theory) discussing intelligent lives in the universe. He said that out of the three necessary things that will make an alien race intelligent, the ability to convey ideas is one. And how do we convey ideas through conversations? I have been thinking extensively about conversation, speech, and language lately. How humans evolved to speak is still unclear to the scientific community, it is still one of the biggest unsolved mysteries of our time. Conversations are not mere words put together; they give meaning to our minds. For a second, think that you don't have any vocabulary, and now try to think of any idea; it is nearly impossible. Only a handful of ideas can be completely thought out without words. Words in a certain order magically translate to meaning in our lives. Individual words are useless; only when put in a particular structure can they speak to us. Speech is one of the biggest tools possessed by humanity that truly separates us from animals. At this point, let me ask a question? Even computers can communicate using the internet and other protocols; why aren't they considered equally intelligent to humans. The difference lies in the nuances that can be sent through. Computers are only present for a few decades; however, human speech has evolved over thousands of years. In a few decades, computers will evolve to completely surpass humans in language and become sentient. Computers would be able to communicate even more nuanced ideas and things. Language is one of the key components of evolution, and right now, the digital world is creating its own new language in the form of Large Language models.

Now let's look at conversations that we have in our daily lives. As I am reading more and more about neurobiology and psychology, I'm becoming more and more aware of my speech. Before dwelling deeply on my problem, let's set up some context for conversation. Conversations differ depending on whom you are talking to, but every conversation's main goal is to get something from the other person. If you are talking to a really good friend, the goal is to get them to listen to your story to deepen your trust in each other. If you are talking to your acquaintances, the goal is to get either respect or get some work done from them. And if you are talking to a stranger of the opposite gender, the goal is to get laid :). Every conversation has unique challenges and goals, each with a multi-layered difficulty level. Being good in one type doesn't necessarily make you excel in other types.

Let's look at romantic conversation first; this type of conversation requires a lot of trickery and small pretentious lies. The goal here is to hold someone's attention such that they only know little about you; you need to have some mysticism that pushes the other person to go deeper on the quest to find more about you. They need to feel that they are on a journey where there are unraveling more and more secrets as they go forward. It's easier said than done; everyone has different likings, and steering conversation in the comfort zone of both parties is quite challenging. Romantic conversations demand some form of mysticism; there are a lot of hand gestures involved (at least in the beginning) and over-the-top reactions to everything said. All these antics become quite important to hide your true personality that might not be super likable; this facade is necessary to keep the wheel of romance rolling. Everything said in these conversations is accentuated or embellished so that it gets a reaction from the other person. Because both parties are new to each other and have yet to build a bond of trust, playing with uncertainties is the best bet. You find out the limits of each other by funnily asking deep questions; this keeps you safe from crossing the line that might hurt otherwise. But as time progresses, romantic conversations become much different; they become more of a sense of comfort, where both often lie to save each other from being hurt. Let's be honest here, great romantic relationships are not built on truth but more on the hope of truth, the hope and faith that everything between us is good and will keep improving as time passes. There might be more nuance to this which I will learn as I grow old; for now, let's move to the second type.

Conversation with friends is probably the most honest conversation we all have with the outside world. This also requires a degree of lies, but the goal here differs. Conversations between friends are often the stories and events we narrate, and like every good story, it needs drama to be more enjoyable. To create this drama, we tell white lies, which the other person is aware of, but nonetheless, it makes for a good listening experience. There is no need for antics and over-the-top reactions or building up trust; all of this has already happened in the initial stages of the friendship. If you have good friends, they know more about your social behavior than you do yourself. At least in my worldview, conversations with good friends are unbiased, unfiltered, and at times, brutally honest. I hold no restrictions when talking about other people outside our circle, and our conversation can take any form, from the most racist and sexist viewpoints to the most intellectually brutal viewpoints. If you have truly good friends, no one within the group should care about political correctness. The goal here is not to say what's right but what you feel. And it's impossible to feel morally right all the time; all your frustrations, anger, biases, and fantasies should come out here. But still, be aware that the level of things you should reveal depends on your trust level with the other person. The things you discuss here show all kinds of biases you have, which can be easily misused by some wicked person. Even though the conversation with friends is honest, one should still be careful when criticizing each other; friendship should take precedence over the brutality of the truth. Certain things should not be discussed here; a few of them are details of romantic interests and money; these two can easily create jealousy between each other. 

And thirdly, in conversations with acquaintances, the goal post here is completely different. It's all about getting respect and creating dominance. Creating dominance requires a much higher level of intelligence, but the person in front of you should never feel that they are not given enough chance to speak. Even though you control what they speak and how much they should speak, they should never feel it that way. The best form of control is when the person being controlled is unaware that he/she is being controlled. Always keep the baton in your hand, let them speak first, and let them feel they are winning. In these conversations, keep a calm demeanor, be respectful, talk logically, and keep emotions out of the equation. The other person should always feel important; at the same time, they should be made aware that what you are saying is important, and he/she shouldn't take any of your words lightly. Extreme care should be given to the proficiency and tone of the speech. Never should the other person feel that you go back on your words; this breaks the trust that can't be fixed by emotional melodrama like in the above two conversations with friends or romantic partners. Avoid showing your biases and talk more about events and ideas than what you feel. This type of conversation is built on societal decency, not emotional connection. Thus, no one wants to hear about your problems and emotional turmoil. 

There is one more type of conversation that we have with ourselves. Every morning we tell ourselves stories about our own self-image. These conversations are often filled with lies because accepting your faults and mistakes is physically painful for your brain; it's better to give a lame excuse than actually fix the problem. Here lies all our fantasies, deepest and darkest desires, that we constantly fight with to protect ourselves socially. If we start blurting out whatever goes in our head, we'll break most of our connections and all forms of social security structure. People who can sit and really talk to themselves and accept their faults can greatly improve their lives and achieve things above and beyond. The idea of success can only be realized with proper self-talk. The more honest you are with yourself, the more easily you can become better and successful. Nothing is more important than being self-aware; in its ultimate form, it leads to enlightenment, away from all kinds of miseries and pain. But most people are quite bad with self-talk and thus never reach their true potential. All your happiness and misery lie here; some people can find comfort in hell-like situations, whereas others can't even find it in a mansion. The game of life is just about what you can convince yourself about. Even pain and misery start feeling good if you give yourself a good enough reason; otherwise, even comfort feels empty. As we say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Similarly, happiness is in the individual's perspective.

The problems of an intelligent mind

But if you are intelligent enough, the conversation game changes very quickly. It becomes tough for others to understand your perspective, which is necessary to build trust. These people are especially bad in romantic conversations, as most people can't keep up with the trajectories of their minds. By the time your partner unravels the first layer of your personality, you've already seen them in and out, noticing all their drawbacks and lies. You can easily spot antics and over-the-top reactions, thus making you feel that the other person is less genuine. Intelligent people can easily notice incoherency in others' talk and actions, making them hard to trust strangers and newly met people. But intelligence has its own advantages; you improve at self-talk and self-regulating your emotions. Comments made by others don't affect you that easily, and you become more and more responsible for your happiness rather than the outside world dictating it for you. You become extremely powerful in social situations as you control the entire conversation. Remember that this can create a power imbalance to such a degree that people might start disliking you, but if you don't wish to form an emotional connection with them, its better that they should have a bit of fear and respect and shy away from saying stupid things in front of you. Sometimes it becomes tough to converse even among friends, and your talks slowly become more like a lecture that some of your friends might not enjoy. At last, If you are intelligent, it's okay to have a little less emotional connection with your romantic partners, friends, and family because, in return, you get a much deeper personal connection with your own self and what's more important than your own self.