Love, relationship and betrayal

I recently heard this amusing quote, "Your mind works 24x7, 365 days a year, until you fall in love". But is there any truth to this statement apart from some anecdotal pieces of evidence? Yes, there is, researchers found that falling in love has the same effect on your brain as cocaine or some other power pain relievers. It has been studied that love can alleviate not only mental pain but also physical pain. It has also been correlated with the lowering of testosterone, and for those who don't know enough about testosterone, this neuromodulator is not just about anger, but primarily it's about motivation and goal seeking. Testosterone is similar to dopamine in terms of motivation, with the primary difference being their time frame. Dopamine works for moments, but testosterone determines long-term planning, execution, and work ethic. Also, the brain circuits involved in love are the same circuit that evolves over time from the ones we have for our parents. Guys look for their mothers (for comfort) whereas girls look for their fathers (for protection). Before some of you jump guns on me, let me clarify that there is a lot of variation in mate selection depending on your finances, culture, and exposure. What I mentioned till now is just pure neurochemistry without the influence of societal structures.

Now, coming to the interesting bits, Love and relationship in a social context. There is a great saying in English, "Don't visit a supermarket when you are hungry, you will end up choosing the most unhealthy food". The same is true for relationships, if you are desperate, there is a good chance that you will end up with a completely unsuitable person. As I read and observe more and more people, I realize that most people have a very superficial understanding of love. You will keep hearing stuff like, love and relationships are overrated, it's not love that is overrated, but it's our capacity to love, which is overrated. Just observe the couples around, and you will soon realize that most of them are not in love they are just in relationships. People are afraid of being judged or being alone, and often will end up in a relationship just for the sake of getting over these two problems. People's mind is filled with crazy fantasies, making them insatiable forever. The idea of having fun all the time is what dooms most relationships from the very start. Life isn't margaritas on a beach, you will have a few good moments here and there but the rest is pretty boring, with a few more bits of sadness and stress. Anyone who thinks that the introduction of someone in their life is going to make their life happy is foolish.  People can make you excited for a few moments but happiness needs to be found within. The best thing that one can expect in a relationship is respect and the only thing superior to respect is to find inspiration in your partner. Inspiration is an extremely rare thing to find in life let alone in your partner. Inspiration to be the best version of yourself, inspiration to sacrifice things for the greater good, and inspiration to become a better human being. What's more to life than being your best version, and finding the one that inspires others to be their best. Love is a crazy emotion, it can either put you on the path of devotion, responsibility, and improvement or on the totally opposite road where you just waste your time, life, and opportunities. People have won wars just so that they can be with their lovers one last time. At the same time, people have lost their lives for the ones who cheated them. The choice is always yours, whether you want to get destroyed in love or become a better version of yourself. Learn to genuinely critique and appreciate each other, not the way we do it generally; by buying flowers, gifts, or other fancy things but by actually appreciating your partner for the things that they were able to achieve for themselves or for people outside their relationship. Let me expand on this with an example, a girl saying to her lover that he's such a nice man because he makes her feel special is not a genuine appreciation. Rather something like, I'm proud of you that you stood with your friend against all odds or I'm proud that you give 10% of your salary to the poor or I'm proud that you are courageous in the most difficult of the situation is the real appreciation. Them making you feel special by buying expensive gifts, or throwing extravagant parties, has nothing to do with their virtue, it has all to do with your funny little egocentric self, where you feel special. True Love is about service and giving, not just taking or expecting all the time. Appreciate your partner for their virtues, not just for what they did for you. I'm not saying that showing your love through gestures is bad or anything, but I'm just pointing out that there is more to love than we understand or put our focus on. Virtue appreciation is completely missing from today's dating market. Often you will see people claiming that they want honest people, but the moment they are criticized for their behavior all that honesty becomes an attack. For all the girls out there especially, when was the last time you asked your partner, what is one thing you can improve for your relationship. Relationships that are born out of neediness are doomed from the very beginning. Love demands sacrifice, hard times and god knows how much more. If anyone thinks that they should be treated like a queen or king, they will have a very unhappy time later in their life. Thinking that one is prized in a relationship is the most absurd idea that has been promoted a lot by social media these days. 

Being able to treat your partner gracefully after years of relationship, that's love. Being able to make them believe that you are with them in the toughest of times, that's love. Being able to take criticism from each other, that's love. Being able to serve each other at times so that they can solve or grow in particular things, that's love. Being able to inspire them to change their habits instead of forcing them, that's love. Being able to trust each other in a corrupt environment, that's love. It doesn't come easy and is probably one of the hardest skills to learn let alone master it. We have reduced love just to make each other feel great about ourselves all the time, despite all of our glaring flows, we haven't left any scope for personal development, or character building. Couples are often scared of speaking honestly fearing the emotional response from the other side. It's okay to not be on the same page for every issue, it's okay to have different beliefs till you can respect each other. Love is also not a competition with other couples, which is becoming more and more of a thing with the rise of social media. Everything in your life is just becoming an Instagram story, just for the sake of cheap dopamine. I once read a line, "Live a great love story, and don't even let anyone know". Romantic Love is a private thing and is not meant for public consumption. When you select someone, you bring them into the most private part of your life, which is meant only for two people, not for the whole world to see and comment about. You will often see that the best couples are almost like friends, especially in a social circle. They don't need to remind the world or themselves again and again that they are together. Not everything needs to be announced or spoken, sometimes mere presence is more than enough to feel loved, satisfied, and filled. Enjoy small things together, not everything needs to be done for each other all the time. Some efforts are not for each other but together for a common experience or a goal. Read books together and get lost in the amazement of the stories. Watch museums and artworks together and wonder about life in old times. Watch bird chirping and flying and wonder about the beauty of creation. Watch stars glittering in the dark sky and wonder about the grandeur of the universe. Talk about the worst things you did in life and come to terms with your repressed hidden emotions. Show your best behavior while making them aware of your worst side, so that both can decide together to never go to the ugly side of love. Because often people who have been hurt in love show absolutely horrific jealousy and distaste towards one another. 

Betrayal is easy, going through tough times is hard, and anything that is easy will never be appreciated or enjoyed for long. Stop engaging in frivolous sexual activities, it takes a part of your soul every time it happens. I've heard so many stories of betrayal in the last few years and there are only two primary reasons for it. It's either the neediness or the boredom. The moment people feel their need is fulfilled and they have a better option they switch partners. And boredom is just you not having enough meaning in life. How can someone keep you free from boredom for years, humans get bored with everything that doesn't mean we should leave those things, especially people. I don't feel it anymore, what does it even mean? How can you even expect to feel it every day of your life? If better options and boredom are the reason to break off a relationship then know this, there will always be better options and eventually, everything becomes boring, so how will you ever settle? One good criterion to judge people is whether you can see them as the father or the mother of your children, if not, then that relationship is very unlikely to reach its ultimate stage (love for life). Remember this, 'Rome was not built in a day, and the same is the case with the best of the relationships'.